Top 10 Craziest Things in Filch’s Office

And no, we’re not talking about the chains he formerly used to discipline students! This is a list of the top 10 craziest or most unreasonable things Filch has ever confiscated. Most of these confiscations have been rather recent- after all, Mister Filch is… well, getting on in his years, and is beginning to get rather irritable (or at least, crankier than before, if that’s even possible!) and intolerant of any Hogwarts mischief. Without further ado, let’s begin!

10- A Fanged Frisbee

After all, the toys are practically harmless! They’re actually rather cute. Their scaly, green, circular center would be the perfect reptilian pet- though notoriously difficult to feed because these cuties will eat anything! Is it really their fault that they mistake your hand for food?

9- The Scarf of a Poor Hufflepuff Student

Mister Filch was recently seen seething in the basement corridor, a poor Hufflepuff student- probably a first or second year- cowering below him. The poor little boy explains that he was wearing his scarf so that it covered his mouth and nose. He was cold, after all! Apparently, Filch caught him in the act and chewed him out about “looking like a bumblebee-themed bandit” before demanding the boy hand over his scarf immediately. Yikes. Though we’re still not sure who this student is, we sure hope he gets his scarf back soon!

8- A Pair of Hand-Knitted Purple-and-White Striped Mittens

This one confuses us to no end. We’re not quite sure the entire story behind this one of Filch’s confiscations, but apparently, the Hogwarts caretaker snatched these from a sixth year student while she was still in the process of knitting them! After viewing them in his office (please don’t tell him we snuck in to get some good information for this article; he’d totally kill us!), we’ve decided this was quite a while ago- the mittens are rather unraveled, and on them, we saw a half-completed purple-and-white striped pattern. They were very pretty mittens, however, Filch must have deemed them atrocious and unfit for wear- either that, or he wanted them all for himself! (Maybe he figured he could finish them despite his obvious lack of knitting skills?)

7- The Marauder’s Map

It’s doubtless that you’ve heard of the infamous Marauder’s Map. Created by genius James Potter and his band of intelligent friends, the Map allows the user to track the whereabouts of anyone at Hogwarts, anywhere at Hogwarts (notably excluding the Room of Requirement), anytime. All you have to do is say “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” and the map will reveal its secrets! When you’re done, simply utter “Mischief managed” and the map will be rendered a useless piece of parchment. Perfect for spying on someone or refraining from being caught by a watchful Professor! Actually, it’s kind of understandable why Filch snatched this one up….

6- A Slice of Chocolate Cake

Honestly, the only thing Filch could possibly have confiscated this for is so he could eat it himself! Then again, maybe he just took it from the great hall for a midnight snack one day and simply never got around to it. We must admit, it was still rather tasty….

5- An Inkwell Filled with Colour-Changing Ink

Taking into consideration that Filch is aging rapidly and his good looks are leaving him even faster, we figured he envied this writing source’s beauty. The story we found in the file on this inkwell was as such; it was confiscated from a seventh year student writing a lengthy essay on Ancient Runes. In the file, Filch excuses himself for confiscating this lovely fluid by writing “possibly enchanted as a cheating device.” We doubt it- the poor student was probably just trying to make her essay aesthetically pleasing!

4- A Roll of Spellotape

What did it ever do to him? This stolen treasure of Filch’s may have just frustrated the Merlin out of him- after all, even if you’ve found Spellotape, it’s very hard to find the end- but we suspect something else happened. Something more… traumatic. Perhaps the tape got stuck in Filch’s long, tangly hair? Or maybe someone used it to shut him up for an hour or two? It could even go back to his childhood when he was abused by his parents using tape for being a Squib. Of course, these are all just theories, but next time you see Filch passing by… make sure to hide your Spellotape.

3- A Copy of the Quibbler

There was a time when reading the Quibbler was considered treason, but now reading it just makes you look awesome. Enough said.

2- A Living Owl?!

Filch, in his old age, has surprisingly not grown deaf, but in fact, his ears have grown sharper, honed from years of sniffing- er, hearing- out mischief! Even still, this next confiscation makes no sense. One of Hogwarts’ mail owls, a small bird with a very loud hoot, was caught by Filch squawking in the middle of the night. No one reported being awakened by the owl, but Filch decided it was “for the good of the castle’s inhabitants”. The owl is supposedly still locked up in Filch’s office (but we may or may not have hired a small band of students to stage an elaborate heist and set the poor messenger free). Well, at least he had good intentions….

1- His Own Cat???!?!!

Filch is known for having a partner in do-gooding. This partner is none other than his old, skinny cat, Mrs. Norris! While some suspect that Mrs. Norris is an Animagus stuck in cat form that had an affair with Filch and was punished by her husband before being rescued by the Hogwarts caretaker, we think the theory’s a little dark. Instead, we’ve decided to believe reports by a now long-graduated former student of Hogwarts, Emmelina Spruce. Spruce tells us that Mrs. Norris was once her cat, then called Elizabeth. She says that in her laborious studying for OWLs, she oftentimes forgot to feed Elizabeth, who managed to get into the food on her own. Spruce also adds that Mister Filch had a particular affinity for her cat, though she was unsure why and still remains puzzled to this day. One day, Spruce tells us, Filch had had enough of Elizabeth’s pitiful mewling for food and decided to “confiscate” her from her owner, for the cat’s own good. “I suppose she’s had a long, happy life since then,” Spruce said, sighing nostalgically.

But why would Elizabeth have been renamed, Mrs. Norris? Well, it’s a recently unearthed little-known hypothesis that Norris was a nickname for Filch, based off of Chuck Norris, an American Muggle “wrestler” who was paid to fight others. Rumour has it that the nickname trend was started by a student versed in American Muggle lore, and meant it to be offensive; however, when Filch caught wind of this, he figured out that Chuck Norris was extremely strong and thought it to be a compliment. It’s suspected that he renamed Elizabeth “Mrs. Norris” to remind him of any happiness he may have once possessed. What do you think? We’d be glad to hear your input on the theory!

 

Well, that’s it- the top 10 craziest and most unreasonable things in Filch’s office! Did we miss any? Let us know!

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