Daily Prophet Accuses Quibbler of Responsibility for Fever Fudge Outbreak

Last Tuesday night, in the headquarters of the Daily Prophet, two of the writers for the popular newspaper were staying in late to finish up last Wednesday’s horoscopes as well as another unknown article. According to the Prophet writers, they had been making great progress when they made a calamitous mistake: they reached for the sweets. There was a tin of fudge sitting, as one of them recalls, on a desk by a window looking out into a small alley. The desk was otherwise covered in papers and was located on the right side of the building’s first floor.

The two writers, coming forth as Slan DaRuss and Fals a’Cusatien, admitted to taking the fudge, thinking it belonged to their coworker, Deborah. What wretched behavior, stealing hapless Deborah’s sweets! Poor Deborah probably relied on that fudge to keep herself sane in today’s world of mortgages, stressful jobs, and student loans. That is, she would if it were actually her dessert!

That’s right. As it turns out, the tin of fudge wasn’t Deborah’s at all! After undergoing testing by the Ministry of Magic, it was revealed to be fever fudge—not exactly the kind of pick-me-up you’d want to save for a rainy day, eh? It wasn’t as if the object really needed to be tested, however. As soon as DeRuss and a’Cusatien took their first nibbles of it, they reported that they began to feel slightly ill. This soon escalated to high fevers for the both of them (though they claim not to have known at the time), and though they didn’t mention this part, some of us here at the Quibbler (myself included) have experienced the effects of fever fudge ourselves and believe that some of their hidden skin became riddled with boils.

They thought nothing of it, too concentrated on their work, they say, to have noticed. What a silly claim! If you suddenly had a high fever, wouldn’t you notice? That’s what I thought.

The next day, they went to work, both telling us they were “out of vacation days to take off,” (stay tuned for an article on how it’s theorized that the Daily Prophet mistreats their writers!) but really beginning to feel ill. Long story short? The fever spread throughout the Prophet, infecting all of their writers and even their head editor! Might I say it serves them right for what comes next?

Well, the Daily Prophet has accused the Quibbler of planting that fever fudge, knowing it would cause their staff to become sick. What kind of preposterous slander is that?! It’s an outrage! It’s a scandal! Why on earth would we here at the Quibbler want to increase the suffering of those at the Prophet? This is why we’ve come to you, dear readers! We beseech you to boycott the Daily Prophet and all of their false accusations in what amounts to no less than a smear campaign! We need you!

Should a lawsuit be filed, we may not make it through unscathed. The Daily Prophet is, alas, more renowned than the Quibbler is, and those tricky snakes can twist their words to victory in court. Please, readers, one more time: help us!

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