The Pumpkin King Invaded Summer??!

DA staff says that the balls they hosted over the summer had the purpose of bringing the community back together again. A likely story! While the balls were hits, with the Great Hall spectacularly transformed by our amazing designers into a ballroom fit for royalty, I have my own theories as to their purpose. While the summer festivities worked to fulfill their supposed intent, they worked even better to fulfill their true one! Drumroll, please . . .

The fantastic balls were clearly hosted to hide the rumored intentions of the Pumpkin King! For those of you who don’t know about him, the Pumpkin King is infamous for terrorizing Hogwarts students and staff alike every fall. Last October, he placed a giant hollow pumpkin smack dab in the middle of the Forbidden Forest! The struggle to clamber to the top of it was intense, and a cause of rage for many.

But the despised Pumpkin of Doom, as it’s called, is nothing compared to other havoc the Pumpkin King has wrought upon Hogwarts! He interrupted Professor Ender “Poto” Thomas’s 200th class with lethal hordes of angry creatures. Numerous students have reported having symptoms of death multiple times that night, and additional fatalities have been reported. So what did the dreaded gourd royalty do this year?!!?!

That’s exactly what Hogwarts staff didn’t want us to worry about. I never got the exact details, dear readers, but I have ideas! My top theory at the moment is a bit complex. Holidays such as Christmas are being hyped up earlier and earlier in the Muggle world; perhaps Hogwarts’ great orange terror machine has decided to make his moves earlier in the year as well. You see, I think that he provided the watermelon for the flavoring in the watermelon gobstoppers at the summer balls. Having done some research into the matter, I found that they were indeed provided by a mysterious anonymous source! Seems like a friendly gesture—but wait, there’s more!

A recent study showed that 87% of Hogwarts students found the supposedly watermelon-flavored candies to taste rather odd. “They simply were not the right flavor,” stated Tae Stevens, a fourth year Hufflepuff student. “The ones I had just weren’t fruity enough, and they stopped tasting very sweet after I had them in my mouth for a few seconds. I almost want to say they tasted like a vegetable puree, but that can’t be right, can it?”

Other students who had enjoyed the gobstoppers reported to the hospital wing with orange tongues. As it turns out, all 47 of the students who did were perfectly healthy, so we know that the orange tongues weren’t a symptom of some new, undiscovered magical disease. That’s a relief! However, the phenomenon is still rather odd.

What do we know of that tastes like vegetables, is orange, and relates to Hogwarts’ dastardly royal nemesis? Pumpkins, of course! All of the evidence adds up to one thing: the Pumpkin King took over summer with a pre-Halloween pumpkin hype by supplying Hogwarts with pumpkin flavored gobstoppers, transfigured into watermelon gobstoppers to disguise their true form!

We can’t let him win, readers! Do whatever it takes to boycott pumpkin products until their rightful annual time of glory, which this year begins Saturday, September 22nd with the fall equinox. There are only 21 more days of sweltering heat and blazing summer sun left this year—enjoy them while you can!

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