Words of Wisdom with Felix: Advice Column REVAMPED!

Hello there, readers! I’m sure all of you, witches and wizards alike, are very excited to see the debut of the Quibbler’s newest venture: a second advice column! (One, trust me, is never enough.) Now, not only will you be able to gain practical tips on your everyday life from our esteemed editor Raven, but from DA’s very own Headmaster, too! (At least, I think it’s Felix himself providing the answers to pleading owls sent in by loyal Quibbler readers; however, whoever has been supplying the solutions to the questions delivered by said owls has not actually proven their identity and some of my fellow writers are skeptical.) Let’s begin, shall we? From here, I’m handing over the reins to the man who’s probably, maybe, most likely the real Felix Black. I think. (I mean, how could he not be? Just look at the responses—so Felix-esque!)

Mr. Felix,

Will you be updating to 1.13? I’m very excited about the Aquatic Update, and I am hoping we’ll get to see that on DA. Can I could get an estimated release date. Pretty please?

Thanks,

Veria Xited

Time is a social construct. We know nothing. Divination has proven fruitless and the Ministry tells us naught. Do me a favor. When the release comes, wake me up from the nap I will inevitably be long overdue for.

Hi Felix,

Do you know when the next NEWTs are going to be? Not that I’m impatient, because . . . I’m sosososo scared for them! Er, not scared that I’ll fail, of course, but scared of what I’ll do next. I haven’t even been told what jobs are going to be available to me! How will I survive out in the real world?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!

Sincerely,

Hugh Werrywort

Okay, kid. The one thing I have to say to you is . . . ask your professors.

Felix.

We need to talk. You’re rich. I’m poor. While you’re no philanthropist, could you at least tell me how you got so much money? I’m talking stacks upon stacks of gold! Piles of knuts and sickles sitting there, waiting to be spent on frivolous things! I am literally desperate for money right now. Please. Help.

From Inid O’Riches

Ah, Inid, I was wondering when someone would send me a letter regarding my vast . . . vast . . . vast fortune. You see, I live by this motto: ‘If that guy is needy, I’m five times as greedy.’ It really helps a lot with piling up galleons. Oh yeah—one thing I’d suggest to give you a little kickstart? Two words: rob Gringotts. I did it over Christmas one year. No one suspected a thing.

Yo Felix,

I was wondering if you could give me the scoop on when the Pumpkin King will be returning? He’s obviously the new era Dark Lord, and the world seems particularly free of big bads right now. So . . . when do I have to start defending my family from this orange evil?

Thanks for the info,

Angus

Angus. I know a guy who knows a guy whose brother’s friend’s uncle’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate can tell you all the details. Meet him at his dirt hut in the Forbidden Forest at half past six this evening. You have to crouch down as if you were a crab, knock once, spin around, and caw like an eagle three times quite loudly. Only then will he let you in. Good luck.

Dear Felix,

Before I graduate, I want to master every spell known to wizardkind (including the Unforgivable Curses, but it’s not like I’m going to practice those in the open. If you could leave this part out of the published advice column, that would be great.). The one spell I do seem to be having trouble with, though, is Accio (the Summoning Charm). Any tips on how to improve?

Thanks so much,

Gia N. T. Goles

Nobody’s perfect.

Felix,

I’m aiming to become a DA member. I’m not sure I’m ready, though. Advice?

Dree Mer

Ask a DA member. I hear their acceptance process is stressful.

 

I hope this advice column answered most, if not all, your questions about life! Best of luck, whatever you’re doing


…Oh!

This just in . . . It, erm, wasn’t actually Felix who responded to those advice letters. As it turns out, the writer was our very own Raven Quibbler! When I confronted her after an awkward muggle “email” she sent, it was discovered that Raven was under the Imperius Curse! The real culprit, although good at giving advice, is still on the loose. Who knows what’s to come??!

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