Azkaban: The Secret Purgatory Within

Everyone has been told of the horrors that used to lie inside the walls of Azkaban. When it was guarded by Dementors, the entire island stank of despair and hopelessness; it was truly a place to fear. The gruesome atmosphere drove people insane. People were starved, deprived of human contact, and left to wallow in their own misery.

We also all know that the Dementors were removed from Azkaban immediately following the end of the Second Wizarding War. Minister for Magic Kingsley Shacklebolt reassured the wizarding community that the Dementors would be moved to an undisclosed location where they would be deprived of human contact. It seemed as though every witch and wizard breathed a collective sigh of relief when it happened.

Some people suggested that the magical community would fall into chaos because there was nothing to fear from the wizard prison anymore. However, the Quibbler managed to schedule an exclusive interview with the current prison warden. It turns out that Azkaban is worse than ever, and you should fear it far more than you do.

On my private walkthrough of the infamous wizard prison, I was horrified to discover what the current warden had implemented as typical punishment.

There is a rigorous schedule that every prisoner must follow no matter the circumstances. First, everyone is commanded to wake up at the crack of dawn. They are then marched to assorted “classrooms” around the prison, where they are strong-armed into paying attention to monotonous lectures on topics such as Muggle History, Muggle Ethics, and Muggle Arithmetic. For eight hours, they change classes every 75 minutes, with a short lunch break around noon.

After the classes are finally over and the volunteer professors go home, prisoners are herded into a large room where they do rote things such as macaroni art. They are required to do this for two hours, and only after they have completed a project are they allowed to go to dinner.

When they’ve finished their dinner, they return to their cells, where they are plunged into darkness and forced to sleep. The next morning, they begin the ritual all over again. It is truly heinous.

In addition to all of that torture, the inside of Azkaban has had a massive renovation. It is no longer dank and sour-smelling. Instead, everything has been painted various shades of bright, cheery pinks and yellows. Everywhere you look there is something fuzzy and adorable. Indeed, for the darkest of criminals, it is a form of torture nobody would wish upon them.

Many people currently imprisoned have gone insane from the radiance of the bright colors. They have fallen into madness due to the sheer amount of macaroni art pieces they have had to endure. This reporter strongly encourages all readers to stay away from a life of crime. Otherwise, who knows where your sanity will wind up.

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